Journal

30th June 2026 - 5:45am

Maybe radical acceptance of circumstance, good and bad, is about expectation and gratitude more than anything else.
As someone with severe OCD, I have the expectation of disaster. From any of a great number of directions, but images of a terrible future haunt me almost constantly. The lost souls of all terrible futures never come to pass possess me like a demon from some horror film. I’m about to float off the bed and break my neck and gurgle black goo and howl.
Right now I can’t sleep. And I experience a single moment of clarity that necessitates my writing it down: How can I ever really live anywhere but in the present? You can’t. The only thing that exists is this present moment. Spending my life preparing for the expectation of loss, living in terror of it, waiting for my happiness or my safety or my life to be taken away… it’s destroying my ‘right now’.
I spend too much time preparing for these things that I fear but may never come to pass. And forget to be greatful for this moment where nothing in the world in wrong, or too far gone to be recovered. I can’t give up on hope so early. I’ve barely just begun.
I want to read some books about OCD and hope. If I get around to it, if I remember to, I’ll post about them.
...

1st July 2026 - 8:13pm

I’m so tired today. And I have a headache, and my stomach won’t stop hurting. Why can’t I be well. It’s all my fault.

Maybe I’m in pain because I think I am. Or maybe it’s not really pain but normal discomfort that I’m interpreting as pain.
Is it normal to live like this? Do other people go about their lives suffering like this? Am I just a sensitive hypochondriac who imagines suffering?
I’ll never have an answer to anything.
It’s probably because I’m fat or something. I had a dream last night that my jelly white grotesque body was accidentally exposed to someone I admire. In the dream they reacted with awkward disgust.

Here is my food diary for today so far:

Morning: Wholegrain Rice, Tofu, Mixed Vegetables. Soy Sauce.
Snack: Honey Chilli Beef Jerky. 2 dark chocolate peppermints.
Afternoon: 2 Weetabix with Oat Milk and Honey.
Evening: Chicken Caesar Salad. Apple+Banana Puree.

Lots of water.